The Cult of Qelqoth
For adults only.
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RSS FEED IDEMS: The Cult of Qelqoth
- If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning…
Giving the sermon last Sunday was a complete and utter disaster from start to finish. Never once in my life have I had to endure such a cataclysmic downward spiral of utmost imbecility. I pray to God (and our dreadful minister) that this week, I can use the Sabbath for a relaxing game of golf [...]
Thu, 01 Mar 2007 05:50:40 +0000 - August 2006: Easton Baseball Bat
Recently, me and the good wife decided to leave the seclusion of our country abode and partake in a gentle stroll around the Kingsway Mall. You see, we had both been invited by to a barbecue by one of her old acquaintances from college and we felt that if we were to be attending this [...]
Tue, 27 Feb 2007 12:38:17 +0000 - Old News: Chronic The Hedgehog
A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after he raped a hedgehog while a local witchdoctor watched and pleasured himself. Nikolovic, 35, from Belgrade, says the witchdoctor had insisted that the act of beastiality would cure his premature ejaculation and also, be a sensual experience like no other. But despite the rampant witchdoctor’s words of wisdom, Nikolvik ended [...]
Tue, 27 Feb 2007 12:36:50 +0000 - Spiritual Advice Column: Vol. 4
Rev. Qelqoth, A former co-worker who was fired for sexually interfering with office equipment, recently contacted me regarding a favour. During his employment, he had stolen office equipment from our storage department. This included a stapler, magic markers, printer ribbons and glue. In recent times, he has started to experience erectile dysfunction. Because he can only orgasm using [...]
Mon, 26 Feb 2007 09:45:08 +0000 - Kochi Blow-up Doll
Despite being a nation of used underwear enthusiasts, the Japanese are a force to be reckoned with. They rule the sex industry with an iron fist. When it comes to inflatable relationships, there is no race that comes close to the
Mon, 26 Feb 2007 09:43:17 +0000 - An Interview with Prince Harry
Right wing activist and royal spokesman for the British National Party, Prince Harry, will be quitting amateur racism to fight full time against the Iraqi resistance. News of the prince’s call to battle has been confirmed by the Ministry of Defence. Harry’s regiment, the Blues and Royals, has been informed that it will serve in Iraq [...]
Mon, 26 Feb 2007 09:42:03 +0000 - Audio Review: Funky Honkey, Nasty Nigger
The cover of this epic record is an eclectic mixture of cultural diversity and sexual liberation, a landmark for an era where interracial relationships was quite simply frowned upon. The central gentleman, sporting a well groomed afro, is on the receiving end of what appears to be mock fellatio, while his puppet companions look on [...]
Mon, 26 Feb 2007 09:41:02 +0000 - St. Valentine’s Day Massacre: Part Two
I had a call from Uncle Joseph this morning. He said some people went and made us “Link of The Day” on their website. Perhaps now we’ll show greater numbers the true meaning of salvation. This move would put us right up there with legendary icons of the twentieth century. Great spiritual leaders like [...]
Mon, 26 Feb 2007 09:40:00 +0000 - St. Valentine’s Day Massacre: Part One
Today, Uncle Joseph insisted that I travel to Norfolk and get an interview with Bernard Matthew for the website. He was originally going there himself although he’s also been working on a sermon for this Sunday and the Lord’s work does take priority in his home. Uncle Joseph said that he required some quality thinking time [...]
Mon, 26 Feb 2007 09:39:02 +0000 - On The Trail: The Final Solution
Despite outrage from the ELDR, Bernard Matthews begins phase one of its greatest operation with pride. The company has been actively preparing workers for the mass slaughter and copulation of infected livestock following the scandal of the H5N1 virus earlier this month. The diseased creatures will be routinely transported to the idyllic surroundings of the Barry [...]
Mon, 26 Feb 2007 09:36:56 +0000
